This week’s New York Magazine Approval Matrix (which is a don’t-miss treat every week) includes this approving nugget on “Mission: Impossible III”: “The kidnapping in ‘M:I:III,’ involving spilled wine, body doubles, voice modulation, and an exploding Lamborghini—just the kind of awesome Bond-movie scene that doesn’t appear in Bond movies anymore.”
Not only is this completely true, it also gave me a realization: Tom Cruise wants to be—nay, in “M:I:III” he has become—the next James Bond.
Compare these basic facts about Bond movies (pre-Timothy Dalton, anyway) with Cruise’s character Ethan Hunt in “M:I:III.”
• Bond: Tall, dark, handsome, dapper, well-versed in etiquette and perfect comportment. Hunt: Dark, handsome (not tall), dapper, well-versed in etiquette and perfect comportment. Hunt is not British, although Cruise could work on an accent.
• Bond: Operates as a secret agent on confidential assignments revealed to no one, including the woman in his life. Hunt: Operates as a secret agent on confidential assignments revealed to no one, including the woman in his life.
• Bond: Has an incredible arsenal of gadgets and clever methods of getting into and out of difficult situations. Hunt: Has an incredible arsenal of gadgets and clever methods of getting into and out of difficult situations. Instead of geeky Q, Hunt has sidekick Luther.
• Bond: Really knows how to wear a tux. Hunt: Really knows how to wear a million-dollar rappelling contraption.
• Bond: Often goes into missions with a second agent or to finish another 00’s work. Hunt: Goes into his first mission to rescue a kidnapped agent, then finishes her work. “Mission: Impossible” used to be about a team of experts, but the latest sequel makes Hunt the main executor.
• Bond: Drives fantastic cars and visits exotic international locations. Hunt: Is seen in fantastic cars (such as a Lamborghini) and visits exotic international locations (including Rome and Shanghai).
• Bond: Knows how to shoot a gun and isn’t afraid to kill those who stand in his way. Hunt: Knows how to shoot a gun and isn’t afraid to kill those who stand in his way.
• Bond: Performs mysteriously dextrous stunts for a man in a tuxedo. Hunt: Regularly performs dextrous stunts for a man in a million-dollar rappelling contraption.
• Bond: After saving the world from near-distruction, his superiors want him to immediately get back to work, although he chooses to kick back instead. Hunt: After saving America from near-distruction, his superiors want him to immediately get back to work, although he chooses to kick back instead.
• Bond: Gets the girl. And sometimes several. Hunt: Saves the girl, in this case his new bride. Which is very un-Bond, but still.
If Cruise could nail a British accent he’d have it made. Except, of course, that being James Bond doesn’t pay nearly as well as simply being Tom Cruise.